dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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