God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
