Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
