I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
