So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
