I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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