Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
