you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
