Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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