Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
