If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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