either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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