At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
