Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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