I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
