is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
