What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
