Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
