I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
