i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
