Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
