There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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