I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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