Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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