smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
