You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
