direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
my liver is dry heaving
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
