I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
