I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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