all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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