My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
