sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
