I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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