He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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