I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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