just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
