Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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