Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
