If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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