You smell like stripper and shame
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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