Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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