Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
