is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
