there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
50% drunk capacity currently
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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