So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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