His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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