Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
