a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
