The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
