The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
