I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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