Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
